borderlinepdfeels:

It’s been a while. I’m still drowning. This time the ocean is different. The tide is stronger. So are the monsters that lurk in this darkness. I’m trashing to stay afloat and keep my head above water. I’ve been trying to keep myself alive for years. I wish someone noticed or cared. I’m in a new relationship that’s break my heart day in and day out but I love them and I’m happy with them. I just hope I’m not an emotional splint that’ll be gone in 4-6 weeks.

My gf always points out my hair everywhere. How can I tell her it’s not my fault? It’s the price I pay to the demon that takes my insecurities away for a minute. How can I explain to her that every time she touches my stomach I want to projectile vomit everywhere and apologize for the atrocity I subjected her too? How can I tell her that there are days where I feel happy enough to love and live and the majority of the days I try to keep down the butterflies in my chest from exploding with anxiety before she leaves me for someone better? How do I tell her I don’t think I’ll ever be the person she needs most in this life time and I’d rather just end it now before we cost each other the most expensive heart break of all? It’ll cost her a couple tissue boxes and some weed. It’ll cost me a nice metal tin and flowers for a week.

I just want to crawl into myself as many times as possible to just disappear

Being bipolar means if you start meds, you have to be on them for the rest of your life. I’ll be a zombie for 71 if I get to be with you for 72 of those years. Sometimes it makes me question if I even deserve to be loved by gods finest creation. Or anyone for that matter. I know life would be simpler for all if I was just dead. I should probably get on that life insurance soon so at least they get a decent pay out for my troubles. I get to kill two birds with one stone, pun intended. Die and help them financially. My brothers gf once told me to stop saying “I’m gonna kill myself” because it worries him. It worries me too man. But nobody cares. And that’s okay. It’ll help them get over it quicker. Bipolar is a bitch but I’m a bigger one so it’s a dual to see who sinks this ship first. I’ve already pulled the plug.

Why can’t I just crawl into a hole and disappear? The first one was fucking different girls left and right and had no intention to like me. The other didnt even wanna talk to me to begin with 🤣🤣🤣. THATS THE FUCKING GAG OF A CENTURY YALL. Honestly the idea of never getting invested into another human being sounds lovely right about now.

I am going to blow my brains out

What sucks the most every fucking year is planning your own birthday and cancelling it months ahead of time cause you know no one is gonna show up

Even when I say those words, I’m still not taken seriously. So what is the point? I’ve reached out, been in therapy for a lil over a year, I’ve done the affirmations. When does it get better? Or do I just jump in front of a Mac truck?

w0rds-left-un-said:

I say I want to go home, even when I am home. This building and these people haven’t felt like home in years. Arguments and anxiety grow on the walls like black mold. Tolerance and familial ties spread across the floor like rose stems. Silence being the thorns that prick the soles of you feet as you walk. Talking is not an option put forth. Being anywhere else doesn’t ease the tide in my mind but being here does nothing but kill the ripple. This place is suffocating. I’m suffocating. On my own cries and tears. Even when I do speak, about a minuscule event, I get spoken over and told to shut the fuck up. You want me to explain a war to you that doesn’t remember a start date and doesn’t see a cease and desist letter coming anytime soon; a war that neither side remembers signing up for? For what, to be belittled and told it’s all in my head and that I always exaggerate? The highest of highs don’t out weigh the lowest of lows and this scale is tipping too far for my comfort but I can’t seem to balance it out.

I’ve had so much anxiety about this year starting and I think I know why. This year might be the end of my script. I hope I get to see everyone in the remake.

w0rds-left-un-said:

Every fucking holiday. Every fucking year. The pressure makes me feel like I’m thousands of kilometers below any visible sunlight in the Mariana Trench. Every year I’m an after thought with a couple slick words, “oh I was gonna make that later” “oh I didn’t have time”, but when I utter the words “I’m not surprised” or “it’s cause I’m not him I get it” the anger that surfaces could lift the lost city and have it halo miles above the New York City sky scrappers. And yet again I’m left feeling guilty for not being your favorite mistake. But god how could I compare to the prophet when in your eyes I’m just a beggar not worthy of any blessings. God I just want to feel like I’m part of something bigger and not like I’m a side added waste that’s just there cause she got the “you can come if you want” text.

furiousgoldfish:

sometimes you live from breakdown to breakdown

depressito:

i’m tired of always being the replaceable friend. i want to feel loved and wanted, i want someone to care about me the way i always care about everyone. my loneliness is killing me

It takes the words “I want to kill myself” for people to understand the severity.